Lets's Get Rid Of Silly, Costly Extras

The Age

Wednesday August 23, 1995

Bill Tuckey

JUST on 12 years ago I came face-to-face with a spring-loaded ashtray. It was at the Mazda proving ground at Myoshi in Japan.

No, we weren't there to test our testosterone on the new spring-loaded ashtray; it was to gallop around in the all- new front-drive 626.

At the time I thought this ashtray was about the last technological development the world needed. Since then several others have adopted the system by which you push this flap with your finger and the ashtray surges forth. Even Mercedes-Benz has done it, for which the Schwabians should be profoundly ashamed.

One is overfond of telling people who grizzle endlessly about the cost of new cars that today's car is loaded with stuff that was an extra-cost option a decade ago. It isn't so long since you had to pay more for a left-hand mirror, heater/demister, cheap push-button AM radio, cloth trim, floor carpeting and rear window wipe-wash system.

But equally, we have foist upon us gew-gaws and knick-knackery that do little but add cost to the car, even if it's seemingly only in the form of extra computer printer ribbons for the surplus words of frippery they generate in the PR flack's paeans of purple prose. I'm starting a new movement with the acronym of COARSE Cut Out All Risibly Superfluous Extras.

Spring-loaded ashtrays: I hasten to separate this from the tobacco police, because while I gave up the Marlboro in 1981, I'm not anti-smoking. But obviously the car makers think the weed affects not only the lungs but also makes your wrists and forearms weak.

Electric seats: Invented by the Americans (who else?) their only virtue is when they're linked to three-way memory systems that also involve the mirrors, steering wheel and belts, so you can push one button and release yourself from the foetal position created by the vertically challenged car park attendant.

The dash inclinometer in four-wheel drives: This is to take your mind off the other deficiencies, like the Leopard tank ride and the banging noises. It is useful mainly when it tells you the angle of the dangle has violated gravity and you are now overturning.

Electric sunroofs: In Australia, these are as useful as an ashtray (non spring-loaded) on a motorcycle. They are monstrously expensive, steal valuable headroom, and are a nonsense outside an ambient temperature range of 18-20 degrees. Besides, follically challenged men hate them.

Electronically adjustable suspensions: As distinct from intelligent suspensions (Citroen's is one of the few) this is just smoke-and-mirrors stuff that firms or softens the dampers a few-tenths of a second after you've crashed over a bump. Most people stick the switch into automatic and hope it will all go away somewhere.

Two-mode automatic transmissions: Much the same thing applies.

All this does is change up or down earlier or later to give more acceleration or better fuel consumption. I do except smarter transmissions like those in Hondas and Volkswagens, as well as those with a third mode to select second gear for starting on slippery stuff.

INTERIOR headlamp height adjustment: This was invented by the French, who have been paranoid about headlamp dazzle since Napoleon was momentarily blinded by the reflection from a cuirassier's helmet at Waterloo. Most drivers of my acquaintance couldn't give a stuff about their headlamps being too high when they've got a load of luggage in the boot.

Digital instrument displays: Thankfully, this example of the world's stupidest automotive fad has just about gone to the Great Cemetery For They Seemed Like Good Ideas At The Time. Last sighted in the Ford LTD.

Plastic odds-and-ends boxes: Gentle acceleration propels the contents into the rear parcels shelf. Can be fixed with five cents' worth of dimpled rubber mat.

I could go on and on (yes, we know, I hear you cry). But I certainly do not want a return to the days of the EJ Holden, with floor covering made from genuine imitation vinyl, three- on-the-tree and no harp, waterfall and stove (music, washers and heater, in used car chat).

For me, the minimum sensible equipment would be central locking with immobiliser, electric windows, seat and belt height adjustment, reasonable stereo/cassette player, remote boot and fuel filler release, rear window wipe/wash system, air conditioning and ABS brakes. Oh, and don't forget the cup-holders.

We must also have a new flag (doesn't everyone). COARSE will feature a giant pair of pouting lips and the motto KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid).